Last week I was talking with a woman in town and when she found out I was a Parent Coach (the title I give myself when I think Energy Healer and Spiritually Aware Parent Coach is going to create way too big of conversation at the moment) She looked at me in confusion.
"WHAT'S A PARENT COACH?" she asked.
When I told her...
I coach parents to find their center and calm within when they are with their children so they can deal with behaviour as something deeper and not use punishment as an option...
Her response was...
How do you parent without punishment?
I went on to talk about natural consequence and discussion.
I discussed how with younger children the art of distraction can be productive, as well as simply seeing life through the eyes of children makes things click. I started to go into how our own inner stories and perceptions can chose to see behaviors as opportunities rather than problems...
But, she kinda didn't ask me any more, and I also noticed she didn't ask me for my website.
The experience reminded me how the belief that parents need to force, and demand certain behaviors from their children is SO prevalent in our society and that, in many ways, we are passed on a FEAR of what our children will “turn out like..” if we don't force them to behave and do what we tell them.
It all creates such a panic in our parenting which gives birth to the Role over Relationship we've been discussing so often here.
Even natural consequence has become incredibly complicated, with many parents are asking “but what kind of natural consequence can I give for that behaviour?” Which kind of defeats the intention.
October is Parenting with Spirit month over in the Facebook community so I quickly jumped on a live there and started to dive in...
What is Natural Consequences?
Everything has a cause and effect.
Every stone creates a ripple when thrown in a pond.
Every action has a result. Everything has a consequence.
Life is a wonderful parade of action and reaction... we move forward understanding that what we do creates a next step,a new stage. Its not just for our children, but for all of us which is why...
you can't give Natural consequences, they happen naturally.
So for a child, if they hit their friend, that friend won't want to play anymore.
If they lie, no one will trust them.
If they steal, people won't trust them... and they feel horrible if they are caught by store owners.
If they are rough with the cat, they get scratched and the cat won't want to be with them.
If they throw things, things break.
If they don't eat their vegetables, their body won't have the tools to keep them well.
If they don't eat fibre, they will get a tummyache and get sick.
On, and on, and on.
And the beautiful element of all of this is we're not standing there as a dictator in charge, or a manic controller who's stopping our kids from exploring.
The fear of how our kids will turn out will subside and rather we're standing there as the supporter and experienced human being, offering our insights so our kids don't get hurt or lose opportunity for connection with others.
So, how to quickly find the Natural consequences in your child's behaviour?
Ask yourself WHY.
WHY do you want them to stop what they are doing?
Why is it a bad idea to continue?
Why... why... why?
Also, give yourself space to quickly reaffirm that the why isn't based in your ROLE as a parent... like “Why? Well because I'm the mom!” or Why? Because I said so and they should listen to me!”
or Why? Because they are embarrassing me...
That's not going to get you anywhere.
Why? Because they could get hurt.
Because kids won't want to play with them.
It makes the house feel sad and stressed...
And then, speak your truth.
A powerful thing happens when you give way to the WHY and develop the tool of acknowledging Natural Consequences.
Life starts to slow down.
Behaviour doesn't have to be something to have to FIX or control, rather it becomes a spark for learning and growth. You start pointing out some natural consequences and discussing how to create a happy path, and your children realize after awhile that everything does have a consequence and they can use them for good just as much as bad.
Because when we are kind, the natural consequences is that people like to connect with us.
When we are playful, we have more fun.
When we eat those vegetables we don't have to take medicine or be sick.
When we are nice to the cat, we get cat cuddles...
It takes some time. I won't tell you this is a quick result process.
A young child can need to have “owie” mentioned for every hurt they have, you have, the neighbor has, before they get that you are telling them the natural consequence of playing with something sharp can hurt them. It doesn't mean you are permissive and let them figure out how it hurts them... rather you just keep telling them it could and move them on to something that won't.
As the slow realization of natural consequence starts to resonate with your children... something else will start to make sense also.
That you aren't working against there fun... that you are on the same team, that listen to your suggestions work.
Take your child to a puddle the next time it rains and throw a pebble in. Watch the ripples. Point out to them there and then that life is the same. Everything we do creates ripples in the world.
What kind of ripples do they want to create?
What kind of ripples do we all want to create?
Because natural consequences and the power of why is true for all of us.
Love and light everyone!
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